as i was writing my journal last night... i start writing ... " how i wish..." the list seems never ending... maybe i'm simply a greedy person ... there i go...
How i wish~~~~ i can turn back time and unwind the worst decision i have made in my life i can tell you many more times i love you when you are still there to listen i can hear your soul and not your voice i can see you heart and not your act i can realise how deep your love was for me then i can appreciate and cherish what i have and not what i want i can see the beauty of simplicity and not the short excitement of romance i can hold on tighter to you than choose to let you go i can stay on longer to give another try than just giving up like that i can give you another chance when you asked for one than now i'm mourning for not having one i can be your bride when you talked about marriage than now wandering in the wander i can see the blue print in your heart when you work hard for our future i can still walk the dog with you, cook for you, argue with you.. feel proud of you.. follow you everywhere you go and tell you everytime before i sleep that... "good night i love you" i can see you whenever i want .. no needing a good reason or excuse.. not needing to miss you at every heart beat i can laugh over you and wipe my tears on you and the list goes on n on n on till infinite end...
well... i truly know i CANT do the above ... i know... i really know... i CANt so long i cant achieve the very first one... wishes are vague.. hardly any will come true... that's why they are my wishes and not my prayer... cuz i know the possibility of them coming true is another infinite zero.. so a bit of self-protection.. to avoid disappointment... i leave them as wishes... i know God is loving n almighty... he can turn all impossibles to possibles... but i guess everyone needs to be accountable of their decision n action... so i'm bearing the fruits of my deed... my mistakes... no one to blame... i still remember the Lord told me this when i asked him the big WHY HE said: ~you chose not to hear my voice when you made your decision, you didnt ask me for direction and guidance when you chose your way... why ask me "WHY" now when thing goes wrong? "~ that was the first time i hear His voice so clearly in my life... that statement hit me to the face... harsh n clear... now i'm not holding any grudges towards the Lord nor i think he's against me that's why i dont dare to pray bout it... i just know... sometimes .. something... you just cant force through it...
i always remember the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference
well... i guess all of the above are my random thoughts... cuz i miss you... for i can only see you the barely once a week... that barely few glance... that barely few minutes... mmm... just missing you...
