Thursday, October 25, 2007
~~When Darkness arrives unexpectedly~~Was showering just then…before the light suddenly went offMy immediate n ONLY reaction was…thinking to myself…“OMGosh… didn’t I just change the bulb 2 days ago..”Then I continue showering in the dark…as if nothing has happened…And if joey was home..she wouldn’t have realise anything wrong in the bathroom..As I continue to shower n find my way around…In darkness n silence… Then I realised I seems to be reacting a bit too calm…Why am I not screaming like an ordinary girls would…Why am I not too scared to hurry myself up Why am I so calm? Too calm that I shocked myself… especially when I remember I used to scream at the top of my lungs once when we were locked in the lift… and that was with you girls… I wonder why… n guess what…this wondering process was done in the dark…as I was still taking my time before I bother to bring in some light…I don’t like this feeling…I don’t like my reaction…Its simply because I know..even if I scream… no one is there to help me anyway…Even if I show my fear.. no one is there to empathise nor concern…Even though I hate darkness… no one is there to bring me light when I needed it..And I realise… this has been in me now…Where I’m being exceptionally individualistic… living in the darkness … all by myself… is already in me n part of me…That’s why I’m not shocked… nor can I squeeze out any drastic reactions…So many nights in the past 2 year…When there’s weird noises in the house… When I woke up shaken middle of the night… When I was haunted by nightmares..When I’m not sure if that was a thief or simply my neighbour outside my house.. When the wind is bitting so hard at my windows..During all these times of fear… All I can do was just forcing myself to face it.. Pressing down the spirit of fear n timidity … Forcing my eyes to open and stare into darkness..Rejecting the urge to cry or to scream out of fear..Convincing myself again and again that everything is gonna to be ok… After doing all these nights after nights.. Subconsciously its part of me now…I know… to u…My heart is hardened and my blood is cold..As a woman… I’m too strong n independent.. That’s why… all of you think that I can overcome anything and I can do it…But do u know..I do it because I got no choice…I do it because I have to…I do it because no one is there for me to turn to…I do it because … I don’t know what I’ll become if I turn weak…I do it because… I can never ask u to do it for me again…Everything is a choice..Everyone has a choice…But at situation like this..What are the alternatives???>>>>Venus is not well.. she's sick...i'm scared...Heal her, God...Help her, daddy..someone...please tell me she's going to be ok...
Searching @ 8:00 PM*
