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Friday, June 29, 2007

If you ask me how am i lately...

physically..
i gained weight.. oh no..
as a result of eating a lot a lot...
a result of taking my weight n figure for granted..
i skin is recovering.. still marks and scars remained..
but i know healing is in process...
i've got back n shoulder ache.. from work, from stress or from posture..

things i did...
i finally sent my car to service...
got the wheel bearing fixed n now i'm driving in peace...
the mechanic said i could have got killed anytime...as the wheel might fly off ... phew...
i got my rooms' carpet clean... major hard work...
to move everything out n back into the room...
but i'm happy... to do something i've been wanting it to be done...
i got my lawn mowed n plants trimmed...
now my driveway looks much wider n my garden looks neater...
i'm in the midst of preparing O² Youth 1st Anniversary...
i'm in the midst of Grace registration...
i rearrnge my room... feeling a little refresh now... liking it...
i arrange a groomer to come next sunday to groom the monsters... looking forward to that...

shopping spree
i got my self an ipod FM transmitter... i'm enjoying my music during the drive now...
i got myself some new tops... while waiting to collect my car... i went shopping...
i got myself some new foundation.. i actually prefer to go without makeup..
i got myself a new wardrobe... it kills all my strength n energy to get it assemble..especially its the day after my carpet clean.. dead tired after that....
i got myself a new shower curtain... but its too short... sigh... gotta get a new one.. by the way.. the one u got me is still for sale in Ikea.. but i dont dare to get it... i dont want to be reminded of u twice a day during my shower...
i bought another dining chair.. because u took 2 away.. still serving u well?
i got myself the entertainment book... hope i wont regret at the end...

things happened...
joey is finally back...
honestly i feel as if she's never left us...
maybe time just passing too quickly... as i still remember clearly the day she left... n now she's back... i know things is gonna get better for her... because God promises so...
after 6 months of ignorance... i'm back in touch with him... but things changed drastically...
he said i changed a lot... n i wont denied that... i'm no longer who i was... whom being led only by emotions... now.. i'm giving him a chance of friendship n friendship only... for i'm given the chance by many.. but i'm sorry i got nothing else to offer... i'm cold blooded i know... but please forgive my hardened heart... for i'm not interested to go through those pain... friends...are what we'll be...

my soul says
i miss you... and i miss you a lot...
for the past 10 years.. i've never felt so so far from you...
even when i was away in msia...
but now... even when we are standing in the same congregation...
u seems to be at an unreach distance from me...
but if this is the way the Lord wants us to be...
i'll let it be...
on the other hand...
i think i'm used to it now...
used to seeing you from far..loving you deep within... and keeping you in my prayer...
i'm in such conflict sometimes...
i'm eager to know how are you lately...your new job..your new car... your family's well-being.. n guess what... i miss ben when i saw his photo u posted...
but on the other hand... i dont want to know anything... hoping memories will fade through constant avoidance and ignorance..
but di you know this...
i'm not the only one missing you..
su misses u a lot too... sometimes i tried to capture her attention...
i'll said "su...papa oh!!"... our darling will immediately be alert... then look out to the window or door...then start running towards it n wait...listen ... hoping to see u step into the house... it breaks my heart sometimes when i see that... so i stop tricking hernowadays... cuz... not only she gets disappointed... i realise sub-conciously i hope for miracle to happen too... obviously... its a lie..
was talking to ing they all... they are happy for your new relationship...yet they are all worried bout me... just that they never dare to ask me anything...
it touches my heart a lot... yet it feels so much... they see us through all these years... yet i've disappoint them n never open my heart to them... will you bring her back end of this year? guess she'll get along with them... because u r their beloved brother and friend... they will welcome the one you love...
hey.. i know many people have assured me this... and i'm trying my best too...
but deep down.. i wish to hear it from you...
do you think i can do it?
do you think i can move on well?
do you think i get let you go?
do you think i should stay in perth?
do you think i'm worth loving?
you told me this before.. i have to believe that i will be and i can be happy again... everything will come to past... is this still true? even without you around?
i have many many known questions in me... i know the answer... and i know what's the right thing to do... just that...if its from you... i think i can do it better...

though you'll never read this..
never..



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