Thursday, October 25, 2007
~~When Darkness arrives unexpectedly~~Was showering just then…before the light suddenly went offMy immediate n ONLY reaction was…thinking to myself…“OMGosh… didn’t I just change the bulb 2 days ago..”Then I continue showering in the dark…as if nothing has happened…And if joey was home..she wouldn’t have realise anything wrong in the bathroom..As I continue to shower n find my way around…In darkness n silence… Then I realised I seems to be reacting a bit too calm…Why am I not screaming like an ordinary girls would…Why am I not too scared to hurry myself up Why am I so calm? Too calm that I shocked myself… especially when I remember I used to scream at the top of my lungs once when we were locked in the lift… and that was with you girls… I wonder why… n guess what…this wondering process was done in the dark…as I was still taking my time before I bother to bring in some light…I don’t like this feeling…I don’t like my reaction…Its simply because I know..even if I scream… no one is there to help me anyway…Even if I show my fear.. no one is there to empathise nor concern…Even though I hate darkness… no one is there to bring me light when I needed it..And I realise… this has been in me now…Where I’m being exceptionally individualistic… living in the darkness … all by myself… is already in me n part of me…That’s why I’m not shocked… nor can I squeeze out any drastic reactions…So many nights in the past 2 year…When there’s weird noises in the house… When I woke up shaken middle of the night… When I was haunted by nightmares..When I’m not sure if that was a thief or simply my neighbour outside my house.. When the wind is bitting so hard at my windows..During all these times of fear… All I can do was just forcing myself to face it.. Pressing down the spirit of fear n timidity … Forcing my eyes to open and stare into darkness..Rejecting the urge to cry or to scream out of fear..Convincing myself again and again that everything is gonna to be ok… After doing all these nights after nights.. Subconsciously its part of me now…I know… to u…My heart is hardened and my blood is cold..As a woman… I’m too strong n independent.. That’s why… all of you think that I can overcome anything and I can do it…But do u know..I do it because I got no choice…I do it because I have to…I do it because no one is there for me to turn to…I do it because … I don’t know what I’ll become if I turn weak…I do it because… I can never ask u to do it for me again…Everything is a choice..Everyone has a choice…But at situation like this..What are the alternatives???>>>>Venus is not well.. she's sick...i'm scared...Heal her, God...Help her, daddy..someone...please tell me she's going to be ok...
Searching @ 8:00 PM*
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Number # Seven & the Multiple of Seven
I cant sleep last night…
My mind just wander into the wilderness …
Flash back jumps from one scene to another…
Then I recalled the game played at youth last Friday…
7-UP
Then I realise.. I don’t like the number 7 & its multiply…
Cuz every 7th in my life signify the turning point…
Whether I like it or not…
Age of 7 – When you finally get disciplined and started attending a school with uniforms… school rules…tones of homework… and starting to grow up
Age of 14 – Met my first boyfriend… yet the relationship ended the same year…
Age of 17 – Met the one who’ll since then sink deeply into my heart n life… n this will not changed forever…
Age of 21 – Leaving home n family for the first time… step onto the foreign land with the man that I thought of spending my lifetime with… and with left in the Seventh month… 8th JULY 2007
I ended my relationship with him after being together for 7 years… at the age of 24 … I made the worst decision ever in my life… bringing me to a bottomless pit… where I still don’t see the end till this day… and it was ended in the month of July… my world has never be the same since then… I began to live in darkness and lost my direction… I began to lost the ability to justify the right from the wrong … but though everything change… to this day.. I realise my love for him has not changed… just… can no longer express it….it will be a secret between my heart n my soul… For times… I thought we’ll get back together…before things happened and we parted again…
At His 27th birthday… I said farewell to my prince… I regretted everything that I did… but I know I cant turn back time… I know I serve no right to stop him from living a better life… it’s been 7 months now (from 16th March to 16th Oct) since we last talked … I still remember the last night we met ..that I waited almost 2 hours for you to go home…to say happy birthday n goodbye… for the last time I hear your voice…see your smile and feel your breathe… for the last time… and this year…I’m 27 too…
7th of May 2007 … I found out that you are now committed to a new relationship… you have given your heart n love to another girl… for the last time… I sent you an sms to congratulate … you replied : “Thanks” …from then I see road with no end… yet… I don’t know where is it leading me to…
My 27th birthday is coming in a month time… I’m not looking forward to it …not at all… because … I don’t dare to think this might be my last birthday in perth… I don’t know where will I be at my next birthday… is this the last year that I can see you before we part forever?? I don’t know… I hope this year will not end… though u r no longer mine… but I can still seek u with my heart … when I’m scared or lost.. knowing u r at the same place…I’ll have the strength to keep walking…
Year 2008 – marking my 7th years in Perth… also marking my 28 years of life… but I’m leaving … not intentionally… but I plan to leave mid-year… to leave a place that I’d love to call home after 7 years…to close the page of the most painful yet heartfelt story in my life.. to leave you that I known for 14 years… to leave a place where your family will be built..
I hate 7… I really hate it ….
Searching @ 4:21 PM*
