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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Joey wont be home for a few days… her God brother is here for visitation…so she moved to spend some time with him…

The house went back to its silence…dead silence… the silence that I’ve endured for the past 2 years… the feeling is so familiar yet so…empty…as if nothing has ever changed… as if she never moves in…n I was shocked by my ignorance.. as if nothing would affect me anymore.. as if my heart has gone missing or at least its stone hard now.. I live my days as it is.. n it brought me back to the stage where .. I’m reluctant to answer phone calls n see anyone…
As if… I’m preparing for my going… I’m preparing myself to live a life where I know nobody n vice versa.. where my world is only me n my dogs… I’m preparing my heart to leave this place where I once called home.. I’m preparing my feet to lift up n step forward to the foreign land.. as if.. I’m all prepared to freeze my heart (if its still there) … sink my emotions n distance all my friends … just preparing myself to go…
Am i? am i? am i?

I don’t know.. I asked susu…would she want to go if she’s given a choice.. she stared back at me innocently.. I rubbed my tears on her and she stayed still…not understanding what happened but she remained still… then she rested her head on my arms…lifted up her eyes and looked straight at me… I know… though I lost the whole world.. I still have my beloved daughter with me… at that moment… I think…maybe I really can do this…though with tones of fear… maybe I can do it… to leave…to start afresh somewhere… to smile.. n to forget…

Its been 6 months since we last talked… how are you? How are you? How are you?
Joey was shocked that night when I know she’s talking to u… only by one word that u said… I know immediately… its u… n I was right… because u never change… the way u talk … u act… u walk… u move… n the way ..u love… u never change…that’s why this time I’m so sure that I have to go… because I see too much of similarities in ur current relationship.. the simplicity that u r after… ur plans that u have in ur heart… the way u both live n build life together… I just know.. That’s the end… n its time… for me.. to go..

U know what… lot of time…when I was so tired…stress…feel like I cant continue anymore…how I wish I can hear a word from u… but that never happen.. I’ll then remember what u once told me.. saying that I have to believe that I can do it… I have to smile… I have to eat more… I have to read psalm 23… I’ll also read the old msg-es that u sent me… then I’ll feel that maybe I can push myself a bit further to do what I’m need to… at least what u told me to…

Oh actually… my dream once came true.. but it was a shattered dream… out of the blue…I receive a msg from u… I thought it’s a blessing of answered prayer… who knows…all u want… is just to make sure I arrange a proper seat for u n ur gf… of cuz I will do that for u… n do u know… ur gf has asked many others to pass me the msg… to arrange seats for u both…together with the YAs.. I know I’m not a good person… I know my heart is hard n my blood is cold.. but please trust me… I’ll never do anything that’s not in ur favour… I know u’ll laugh if u see this… how dare a betrayer say this under the light… but I swear… I’ll never ever bring a single harm into ur life again… n the best way to prove is to disappear from ur sight..
U know what.. I blame God sometimes… I’m really trying very hard to leave u…to move on…to not to think about u… but God often tricks me n test my limit … for the one week that I need to go zlm …ur precious gf thank god for u…why should I hear that (though I can understand why would she give thanks for…for u r precious)? For once that I stayed home on wed… u chose to call joey n talk… worse still I know its u… so many times that I close one particular window…then ur name will pop-up cuz u just sign in… *glad that u didn’t see this bit or u would put me in ur ignore list huh??*… I know no one is supposed to notice all these unnecessary details… however they ache every inch of my heart… is God or me?

Often when su or the other 2 suddenly get alert at night…starring out of the window…I would sometimes think… would it be u? hahha… so silly… I know.. that’s why I’ll normally laugh at my own stupidity… u would probably say I watched too much tv,,,becoming unrealistic… oh well..maybe… I wouldn’t mind living in deception be it just a short moment… ya…

Hey… I plan to leave…this time…I really do…. though u wont know till the day I’m gone… but I want to tell u know… in this cyber space… I’ll leave u n this place where we build our dreams together… I’ll then walk out of your life completely… I think that’s the best way to force myself away from u… and maybe… u’ll feel more relieve too… i’m actually very scared of that… I’ve never walk my life without u… I came to perth fearlessly because u were with me… I live my life independently because u are near… I stay home by myself cuz u r holding my keys.. but this time…I be by myself…solely… u think I can do it? Without u? i don’t know… I think I cant… but I’ll do it… cuz.. at least… I’ll never be part of the church who will be organising ur wedding in the near future… idiot me?? Yes…and a coward too…

Hey…
I miss u… n
… I love u …

Searching @ 4:11 PM*


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