Sunday, December 03, 2006
YoU..YOu..yOu..'N' ..yoU...For you...i know you really want to make things clear...i know you just want to be friends and keep a distance from me...i know you already move on and started your next stage of life...i know you have your life anf enjoying your life...i know you treasure much more other things in life...i know i should face the fact that you are no longer mine..i know i have to stop my attitude towards you...i know i should never take you for granted again...i know i need to stand on my on feet...i know my dogs are my responsibilities and not yours...i know ... i know... i know...i simply know that you dont love me anymore...For YOu...Seeing your depression getting more serious everyday truly saddens me...Seeing you losing weight gets me worried...Seeing you bearing all the pain & loneliness yet wanting to leave this place where you called home ... i hope i can lighten your weight...even just a bit...Seeing you longing for love and care yet dont know how to voice it out... i heart truly sink...Seeing you missing your friends...i wish i can bring them all back for you...Seeing you chasing every minute just to spend a bit more time with everyone is aching my heart... i dont want you to go...I know what i have for you now is not love...but it doesnt mean i dont care for you...please believe me that i really really care for you...deep down from my heart.. i really do...if you ever think that nobody care or notice whether u r here or not...let me tell you that i even notice when u are late... i really really want you to stay...not wanting you to leave carrying all the heavy burdens and haunting memories...if you leave i want you to leave with joy and peace... not just to run from reality...i hope you can stay so that when you feel lonely...i can do a little...a bit... just to comfort your lonely soul...i feel guilty...i feel responsible over you...not stopping you harsh enough from the beginning... and causing you getting deeper into it...if there's anything that i can do to change your mind...please tell me... i hope you can feel better...your last words for me tonight:"please take care of yourself"...i feel like you are saying goodbye... can you please dont go...not in this kind of condition...please...i really really dont want you to go... i dont want to see you getting hurt anymore...For YoU...there's nothing i can do or help to ease your burden...nothing at all besides praying...as time pass by...our communication lessen...as we are rolling into life without each other... we are spending lesser time with each other too...i know your daily life well through reading your blog...that's how i know what to pray for...i'm happy that you are adapting back to life in your home land...yet sad not knowing when will i see you again...always want to tell you this..though the quantity of our sms-es , phone calls reduced...but not the quality in my heart...you are still as precious and much missed in my heart...so so much want to tell you... so so much want to cry for...really really wish you are here...so many times i just dont know how to handle...you remain strong through faith and trust in God...i'm trying and trying to stand still as well...but the pain of all the departures are weighting my heart down... so heavy..so heavy..For you...i know you did nothing wrong at all..i know all you did is out of care, love and concern...i know you want the best for me...i'm ashamed of myself being so selfish...by just thinking of my feelings and not yours...i know you are ever ready to reconcile our friendship...but i no longer know how to talk to you..isolated myself for so so long...Fear is growing... fear of crowd..fear of people ...fear of love...though i'm walking back to the community...but getting close is almost a No No to me..i think...the greatest fear of all...fear of being hurt...hurt by someone so dear to your heart...please forgive me... i do cherish you a lot ...but i really dont have the courage to walk up to you again..i dont know how to be close to you again...please forgive my selfishness and foolishness...please forgive me as i dont deserve your love at all...you all are so so precious and important to me..but apparently i can keep none of you...there's a big chunk of emptiness in my heart and my life...without you.. my rainbow left with 3 colours...and it will soon become black and white...
Searching @ 12:22 AM*
