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Sunday, July 16, 2006

***DaWn***

A friend messaged to tell me to stay on...
she said "dawn before the day light is the darkest"..i just need to hang on and wait...

i can fully understand...
just that...my dawn has been a bit too long...
i think its been 2 whole yrs that my heart has totally shut down...
i keep believing that when i wake up the next morning...
the nightmare is gonna be over...
but it just keep haunting me...
n it got worst lately...
nothing brings warmth to my life anymore...
and i wonder... is this what u call the growing process?
i dont see i'm benefiting from it...

anyway...
now that situation has turned upside down...
i'm at the middle of no where again...
am i starting the new page of my life?
or am i back to the square again?
when will u let me go ? n leave me in peace?
suddenly i missed home alot...
though life back home is mundane and dry...
but there's no pain to come with it...
i dont know how long more can i stay like this...
i feel draining... diana says its because i receive no source of support...
she said i keep giving all i can n all i have...
but have no input... no help... of cuz i'll be drained soon...
maybe not soon...i'm already drained...

the whole world keeps asking me back to church...
pushing me all the way...
do u all know this?
i miss all of u so so so much...
i miss the service.. i miss all the lunches...
i miss my weekly cell group...
i miss the sunday morning rushing to church...
i feel so lost n empty to stay home when i'm suppose to be at somewhere else...
i feel so sorry n bad to turn all of u down...
to say NO to all of u who asked me to do something or to go somewhere...

i tried...i really tried to step in again...
but whenever i see her...
i just feel so so disgusted...
it just keeps reminding me of what she has done to him...
to her family...n to all who loves her...
i'm over-floaded with anger...thoughts... emotions when i see her...
because of ur selfishness...ur bloody ugly desire...
u forced him out of his dearest community...
he drown him to this bottomless pit...
u caused such a big mountain of mine to fall into depression...even to blade himself...
i couldnt imagine if that day he cut himself any deeper...or any other day that i didnt see...or wasnt with me.... i'm terrified...
he told u he's ok...but have u seen what i see...
have u seen him driving out middle of the night...heading nowhere n no direction...
have u seen him banging his head to the wall...so hard that my finger was swollen by tryign to stop him?
have u seen his wounds on his wrist? not one but plenty?
have u seen him getting so bloody drunk...vomit...cry...then drink again...vomit again...then drink again...
have u seen him missing all his love ones so so much?
have u seen him hiding from everyone even his own family? missing them yet dont dare to call them?
have u seen him scold n got scolded by his most respected n loved ones??
have u seen him waking up middle of every night...cant go back to sleep?
have u seen him fell into deep guilt... self-blamed...lost all his confidence n esteem?
have u seen him cant concerntrate at work n being called into the room by the manager?
have u seen him spending money blindly that his mum started to get worried?

have u seen any of the above?
yet for u stupid desire!!!
u selfishly hurt everyone...
all u care is whether u are lonely at home..
whether u are happy or not....
whether ur man gives u attention n u feel loved...
do u not see that u have everything that a woman ever dream of??
u r not contented yet starts complaining...
n yet...u continue to put on ur bloody mask in church...
putting up a righteous face... respected by many...
admired by many...loved by many...
even me...i once loved u n admired all that u have n u do...
how do u want me to stay in the same church with u?
how u want me to face u when i know that u both r still not clean...
u...disappointed me again...n again...
at first i thought ....u should be so much more mature then us...should know what cant be done...
my jaw...eyes heart dropped when i know...
indeed u r the one that didnt want to let go...
how can u keep commiting such sin n go home pretending nothing happen...calmly sleep beside him again...
u use the name of love...
this is not the love i know...
i cant comprehend this kind of love...
a woman that follows christ all her life...
using the name of love commiting the unforgivable sin...
how am i confident to follow him again?

u know what...i see u...like my shadow 2 yrs ago...
we went through exactly the same path...
we keep complaining that our men dont love us...
but u know what...we r the one that has changed...
they never love us any lesser from the first day...
just we dont know how to appreciate them anymore...
trust me...if the man finally give up on u...
u will regret the rest of ur life...
because no one has n will love us any more than they do...
no one know us any better than they do...
they dont love us the way we want doesnt mean they r not loving us with all they have...
n anothing...
there's one difference between us...
i betrayed him...but i was still at a position that i can choose...
i'm not bound by the law yet...to God or to Regulation...
but U ARE!!
u already made ur choice 9 yrs ago...
ur decision is not just for urself...but affecting the entire life of ur whole family...

please...please...please...
let go...
let him go...
let everyone finds back their life...
let no one to be hurt anymore...
let ur conscience take over ur evil desire...
think of everyone...or atleast ur loved ones before u contact him again...

please let him go...
n i...
wanna let this whole thing go too...
i dont know why am i involved..
to keep this in me...
i avoided everyone...scared they wll force things out of my mouth...
scared he feels betrayed, insecured n lonely...
i lost the one that is dearest to my heart too..
yet i can explain nothing... cuz i cant mentioned a word to anyone...
i'm glad...i didnt make known of this blog..
at least i can trash everything out...
but...
i'm tired...
u r back ... he's pushing me out again....
he said is for my well-being...
who knows...he's just scared that ill blow the whistle again...
or..its u... that ask him to stay away from me?
so that u can safely do ur dirty act in the dark again??

u are an angel in many's eyes...
soft...sweet ..kind... n pretty
but u r an evil in mine...
selfish...stubborn... dirty... hypocrite...
whenever i think of wht u did...i jsut feel so disgusted...i hated all the places n even ur car...
that was once my dream car...but now its the dirtiest n worst car i can ever imagine!!!

i dont know how am i gonna get over this hatred feelings in me...
i know i'm not in the position an am a nobody to judge...
whatever....i'm tired..

Searching @ 6:15 PM*


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