Thursday, October 13, 2005
i'm never too good at expressing myself i guess...i can talk alot...but simply because its nothing important...i've never really tell people how i feel deeply...i think that's why i always caught people by surprise when they realise something happened...i was just thinking...i've never told my parents that i love themnever tell my grandma or my sis that i love them...n i'm always reluctant to tell him that i love him (never seriously)...& this was something that he always complaint about...& make him rather insecure that i dont admit that i love him...i guess... the deeper my love it...the harder for me to tell...i think i'm too used to keep my feelings in me... eventhough his love for me has faded...but if i have a chance...i would really wanna let him know how much i love him... eventhough all his heart, his mind, his focus is on someone else now...eventhough he'll never be interested in knowing anything bout me anymore...but here in my own blog... in my own spaceat least i can admit to myself n God...Ｉ ＬＯＶＥ ＹＯＵ.....Dear Father,i pray that admiting my love doesnt mean that i still wanna dwell into it...i pray that this can be the first step for me to face it...admiting i love him yet realising that we are no longer meant for each other...Father i ask for strength... to walk out n stand strong again..Father teach me to love him again in your way... the way i love one another...Father i commit this love to you...May You take it, break it & re-mould it...In Jesus Name, AMEN
Searching @ 10:00 PM*
Monday, October 10, 2005
爱是不夜城 回忆像星辰 热泪越沸腾我越感觉有点冷变了心的人越想越伤人枯坐到清晨阳光替房间开了灯 想 若结局一样 又何苦再想 伤 若让人成长 我为什么怕分手的伤 解脱是肯承认这是个错 我不应该还不放手 你有自由走我有自由好好过 解脱是懂擦干泪看以后 找个新方向往前走 这世界辽阔 我总会实现一个梦 想 像结局一样 又何苦再想 伤 若让人成长 我为什么怕分手的伤 心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头 不要爱我的人再担心我 解脱是肯承认这是个错 我不应该还不放手 你有自由走我有自由好好过 解脱是懂擦干泪看以后 找个新方向往前走 这世界辽阔 我总会实现一个梦朋友以这首歌作为对我的祝福我的确想变的勇敢我的确想放手我的确不想伤害任何一个爱我的人我，应该办得到吧我主，您会帮我吧天使们，你们会守护我吧
Searching @ 10:32 PM*
Sunday, October 09, 2005
i thank God for Angels...i'm still in pain...but i thank God for all the angels he sent..i thank God for an angel who called me out of the blue to pick me from work & go pasar malam...having good food...having the crowds... keep my lonely friday night warmth..i thank God for angels who shared the same interest to attend jewelry making class together... make my saturday morning fruitful...i thank God for a concern angel who accompanied me the whole day (gals shopping !?!)... willingly sent me to wherever i want to go (but try to get me drunk -_-)... i thank God for angels who spent the whole night singing their lungs out...simply because i want to go to karaoke....i thank God for angel to walk through this hardship with me... accompanying me to church eventhough its so hard for her to do so... but for me...she steps into zion again...i thank God for angels who know nothing...but simply show concern to me red swollen eyes... for giving me a comforting smile but not asking a single question... for giving me a warm welcome simply because i'm there.... for giving me a nice pic (errr??) to cheer me up... i believe they are all God sent... but of course i'm thankful for the one who sent them... the one who reminds me again n again ....that he has not loves me less... its gonna be hard...but i'll try... for all thes lovely angels...i'll try...for HIM..i'll try...
Searching @ 9:32 PM*
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Read your email the other night. Took me a while to figure out how to reply to you. At the back of my mind, I think you may not need/want me to reply at all. You may just want me to just read it and accept it. Am I right?You know, whenever someone writes to me via email to break any "unexpected" news instead of calling me or talking to me about it, I will expect some resistant if i attempt to address issues face to face. Since you have chosen to email me, then I will email you back. It has taken you some courage to write me this email, I think. And I figure out you may have thought thru the content of this email as well.Whatever issues you are facing, apart from yourself, do you have someone else to help you out? Or someone who will hear you out? My doors are always opened, you can always come to my place and talk to me if you are comfortable with it. Or you can email me like you are penning down your thoughts and feelings. I always check my emails. I hope you do have someone who can help you in this matter. It has been an issue in your heart for one year and one year is kind of a long time to bear a burden. I think we do go thru phases in our lives when we struggle with all kinds of things - finances, relationships of all kinds, families, careers, our past, present, future and so on. Sometimes we go thru them so that God can mold us, hold our hands and helped us thru. When we get out of any difficult situations, we come out a different person, more mature and in better control. And also we are able to help others who may go thru the same situation like we did. Choices we make also determines who we will be in the future. Sometimes we cannot make the right choice ourselves and so we need counsel. Even though I am a ministry leader, I also need to receive counsel to gain wisdom, assurance and encouragement.I have received heaps and heaps of counsel from different people over the years and I am still receiving them. You don't have to accept everything people say but you make good decisions from all the advice you get. Don't hide away, or stay away because you are going thru a hard time. God has not forsaken you and He always extends His help to you if you need it. Help in the form of counselling, accountability. You are walking thru a valley of darkness right now but you know you have to keep walking in order to get out of it, and not build a house there and stay there forever. You are, according to me, a very strong person with a strong character. Maybe you have been thru difficult times in the past that have made you what you are today. Strong in such as way that you can work well, do things well. But you always seem to have a heavy burden lingering somewhere in your heart. Can tell from the looks on your face, sometimes. You are also stubbornly strong. Stubborn can be good and can be not good if you do not handle it the right way. Good is when you have the determination to get something done yourself and you will because you have a strong will. But when you are in need, when you are weak, your stubbornness can make you so hardened that you refused any form of help because you think you can handle it yourself. God has given us some people in our lives to ease our pain and support us. He knows we are vulnerable, we get hurt and wounded by others and circumstances, so He gave help we need. Nothing is too hard for Him, too impossible for Him or too "ugly" for Him to accept you the way you are.You are an amazing person and one of the strongest and at the same thing the nicest person I have met. I pray that God will give you the strength and courage you need to help you out of the situation you are in. Sometimes you need a pair of hands to support you. I hope you will consider my advice about not going thru this alone. Take care!God BlessGot this email from one of my sister/leader/mentor today...as i was reading it...my tears flow uncontrollably... simply because all the she said is so true...I AM STUBBORN...i refuses help all the times....i dont want people to step into my life... i dont mind lending a helping hand but i always refuse to ask for help... not that i think i'm better than anyone else... i just dont know how to handle it when people treat me overly nice... i'm not used to being so naked in front of others.. i know that's what friends for...that's why most friend find me a bit funny...as our friendship grow...i'll then have the tendency to back-off.... its bad ...i know...or even simply because i always like to make early conclusion.. so when the person didnt turn out to be what i perceived...i'll get very very dissapointed.... i'm learning to not to pre-judge....anothing that amazed me was...i never thought that i've shown any sign of burden in me..that's why everyone always thought that i'm such a bubbly, cheerful gal...including myself...i'm amazed that this friend sees me thoroughly (she knows nothing bout what had happened)... but she point out something that no one has ever pointed out... Lord, that must be from u huh??continue to walk till i get out of the valley??? get people to walk along??? open up???i'd love to...give me a bit more time...just a bit more...
Searching @ 8:30 PM*
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
i wont said that i have recovered...not at all...i still feel rather lousy over the whole situationstill having the heartaches...still thinking over what i saw...still asking why?still wondering when will all these come to an end...still feel lonely & all...but i do feel much better today...maybe afterall ...its not that major...but i know its God...last night when i was rather down but not wanting anyone to know...i still chat casually with this friends...talking bout life...she said this:"sometimes when we are too busy looking forward to what we want...what is next to come, we'll then feel that we are lacking of something...but if we can slow down or even stop for a moment...take a look at what we have, we'll then realise how blessed we are..."this actually strike me quite a bit...yes i long for a sweet relationship...a life of a couple...but besides that...what am i lacking in life? basically i would say nothing... i have all that i need... sometimes even more than what i asked for... so am i gonna complaintfor lacking of one but having abundance of others?i believe she's an angel from God...cuz i have not been talking to her almost this whole year...besides that...God has yet not forsaken me at all...he sent all kind of angels to me....my two very understanding cell leaders...they are not hurry in digging out what lies beneath...but all they are concern is whether this naughty little sister is alright...n that's all they asked for...i just love them even though they are slow... =ÞGod sent wonderful colleagues n managers...who keep me accompanied throughout the day (especially lunch time)...keep me distracted from all the blues...showing concern even though i'm slightly more quiet than usual (i'm quite surprise actually)... n lastly bringing me good food to cheer me up... lastly God sent me sister who assured me that...life can still be good without BGR... i'm still who i am eventhough not appreciated by some... i'm still loved by her eventhough they no longer do....i truely think that i'm surrounded by angels today....Dear Lord... thank you for all this blessings even though i've turn my back on u all the time...thank you for loving me as u always do even though i always wanna go my own way....thank you for showering me with your love eventhough i've been so stubborn all the time...Dear all...i just need a bit more time...abit more strength...a bit more courage...I"LL BE BACK
Searching @ 7:20 PM*
Monday, October 03, 2005
wan see said that inez prayed this prayerasking God to break her & re-shape her the way he wants her to be...that's how she came along..i wonder if God is doing the same thing to me... but i didnt pray for that!!!Dear Lord,i really dont know how broken can i be..at this moment...everything is grey to me...i lost my 2 most important people/hope within 10 days...something you know that i hold so dearly to my heart...but yet within 10days...u took them all away...Lord, r u sure i can handle this??well...dear Lord...here i am then..all broken & scattered... & i dont have the strength to patch myself up again...i'm way way too tired...take me Lord...take me Lord..throughout this period...the more i struggle....the worse the situation gets...the more i want it my way...the more opposite way it went...i lose all those that i want...that i dream of...now Lord... who can i turn to but you...but Lord... dont you think u r a bit harsh on me?my one wrong decision... take me to this far...to the extent that i dont know my way home anymore...i dont know where the original chan siew bee is...i cant find her...i cant find her passion...her laughter...her sweet dream...her deep sleep...i hate the person in front of me now...a person that's full of bitterness & sorrow... a person that dont know how to enjoy & appreciate happiness & people around her... i really hate this person... i hate her tears... i hate her pain...i just hate it...dear Lord...am i unworthy of a single bit of happiness? why just cant walk out of it?they both individually have found their love ones...but i'm still dwelling in the past...want to let go but dont know how...want to move on but dont know how?Dear God...i'm very scared...i am very very scared...i'm not as strong as i portrait to be...life without him? life? life?
Searching @ 6:18 PM*
