Friday, September 30, 2005
After all that has happened..after going through it all with you...all i left with you was such a bad impression..'A person who's calculative in all sense..''A person that's unwilling to help..''A person who caomplaints all the time..'A person whom you dont feel happy if you meet me coincidently..A person who does not worth a bit of your sleeping time..A person whom you cant be bothered of how i feel..you might say or do certain things unintentionally...you might not understand why i suddenly have such mood change...you might be thinking to yourself...how scary is this woman... who can be sunshine at one moment & cloudy at anotheryou might be glad that you've let go of such a person... you might even give thanks to the Lord... for leading you not to such scary path...but do you know that... your unintentional words are so so sharp... that really bring me to the very low self-esteem...every moment of silence during the short 10mins walk is horrible...your ignorance towards my sadness is so humiliating...i really find myself like an idiot...i swear to myself so many times that i'm going to move on...i shall do nothing for you anymore...but i couldnt help to remember what you like...to do small little things hoping to brighten up your day...i dont understand myself... i dont think we are still meant for each other... but s=just couldnt stop doing it.. i think you are quite annoyed at times... can tell ...eventhough you try to show appreciation...but i guess today...its a true wake-up call...cuz from your words...i realise that...me to you... besides ended...it has ended badly...i'm listed as one of the person that you wish you dont have to encountered in your life anymore..when you told me you are so so happy to see your friends back...how i wish you can show 10% of that happiness when you see me...Dear Lord,am i really that bad??am i really that unworthy of being loved?am i really that inconsiderate, selfish, stingy, calculative, small-hearted etc...am i? am i? am i?
Searching @ 11:40 AM*
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
GODLY~~~~~~This thought came to me when i was thinking of a persona GODLY person...how do u define Godly? Be Obedient? Be holy? Serve with all your heart?when we want to be Godly...can we still be ourselves?the bible says let your old self dies as you live a new godly life that carries the cross daily...i kinda agree ... but not too sure whether i understand it fullyi mean we do need to immitate Christ...but should we then lose ourselves?actually i just wanna differentiate between a Godly men/women & a Godly MACHINEcuz i remember my cousin told me Christianity is not a religion but a lifestyle...so we should serve God as well as live a Christ centered life...when we tend to serve with all our time, strength, effort & everything...neglecting the meaning of serving...neglecting the fact that... what God desires the most is our heart...then...is that right?i'm not too sure...personnally...to me...serve blindly is like a machine...u know u have to serve... or even u know the purpose why should you serve...but if at the end of the day... ur life left nothing but ur ministry... mmm....Father ...is that what u want?i'm not too sure though...to me...if my inside is not right...i cant work it out properly...i dont wanna be a machine that will burn out ultimately...i dont wanna be a machine that knows God & ministry but dont know how to love...they love obligedly...but not with their heart...i rather people think that i'm a back slidder than a hardworker but lack of humanity..i prefer LOVE...
Searching @ 5:00 PM*
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
色彩我不希望我的网页一片灰暗其实我也度过了一个温馨的周末一个充满好朋友的周末一个我一直向往的周末不忙碌，不紧张， 不烦恼不须要多，你们几个令我感到温暖虽然心在滴血，但你们帮我止痛虽然是暂时性， 但仍充满感恩感谢主赐予我好友们也感谢你们
Searching @ 11:30 PM*
大笨蛋我发觉我原来一点也不聪明我其实是一个笨蛋因为我常常会明知故犯常常做一些令自己后悔莫及的事而最糟的事，我总是后知后觉常常事后在问自己做这一切到底是在干吗？不停的为自己制造遗憾伤人，而自己伤得更重图中稻草人垂头丧气， 犹如我的后悔的写照
Searching @ 11:10 AM*
Monday, September 26, 2005
心痛无此的心痛原来我真的从来没痊愈过虽然我一直不断的提醒自己告诉自己一切都已过去忘记吧可是当那句号再次被划上时我的心也再次被粉碎根本快乐不起来我让自己停不下来我让自己不断的忙碌，片刻都不想让我的思想运作可是心痛的感觉是那么的刺骨短短如沐浴的片刻泪也无法控制的掉下一句话，一首歌，一个画面，一样物品都勾起无数的画面七年，是太长了吧长得充满我生活的每一部分长得成了我的一部分是控制我喜怒哀乐的那一部分是控制我的泪腺的那一部分是我安全感的那一部分是我幸福的那一部分我想逃我好想逃后悔，遗憾，悲伤。。。都已没意义了反正一切真的结束了
Searching @ 12:01 PM*
Friday, September 16, 2005
I think i can almost imagine that this is how his face looks likeif he heard of what i said /did....& then follwed by senteces below:"well, if this is what she wants....""ok lor, then just dont put it lor....(but)...she said so what...""well, we just cant please everyone, things have happened & if she wants to get angry at this small thing, we cant help.....""too bad lar..."*sigh*...i can almost feel the cruelty & coldness even through my own imagination...really hope that its just my imagination & that's not he really said...i dont want to find out ....actually...it might just be a really small matter...i might have just fell into self-pity...thinking that i'm always being treated like that...thinking that i'm always just there to work hard but never being acknowledge...or i simply just victimised myself...thinking that i'm always the one being forgotten or ignored...since young...why me?whether i'm being self-pity or trying to victimise myself...but i know this is true... i'm hurt...one way or another...especially when the involved person doesnt seems to be bothered by how i'd feel..i think ...this time...i'm truely hurt by the ignorant....
Searching @ 2:01 PM*
Thursday, September 15, 2005
**Distance**The distance is furtheringThe gap is enlarginghe's not bothered with my existence or notor in fact, he'd love to stay awayAnd Ii think i'm tired of being one-sidedApproaching one-sideddoing everything one-sidedthinking one-sidedcarrying hope one-sidedENOUGH!!! ITs REALLY ENOUGHthis is merely self-deceiving...cuz when love fades...everything becomes meaninglessso i stop...n guess what....once i stop, everything seems ended too...two who were so so close before...now treating each other like strangeror worse...as even stranger will attract our attention sometimes..but for us...we just dont want to know anything about each other..on the other hand...no one is trying to proceed or back-outwe try to maintain as we are/were...not sure to let go or not...but just so comfortable about each other's presencebut again...i'm scared...i'm scared its a one-sided thingy again...scared that its all my perceptions, n being played around by my emotions...after so so long...i'm still stagnant at where i was before...the preacher said...there's no such thing as stagnancy...if u dont move forward...u r then backsliding...so am i sliding back to where i was before?cuz i clearly know that i have not move on at all...*sigh*...*sigh*...*sigh*
Searching @ 3:40 PM*
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Dream Cari sat into that car againits a dream car of manyit was my dream car toobut i was having different dreams to themmy dream was once bitterly sweetit contains hope, future & most important of all, Lovebut as my dream scatteredthe car seems far from me tooi become the driver of another carwe drive next to each otherso near yet so far& the passenger seat that was used to be mineis now carrying someone else dream car, dream carA car that carries my sweet sweet dream away..now that i'll have to walk on my ownis this why its called a dream car???
Searching @ 9:30 PM*
Monday, September 05, 2005
离开离开的念头在蚕食着我的思想离开= 放弃是真正的放弃是无法回头的一条路回头？？除了我以外根本没有人想回头吧我就是爱痴人说梦离开，或许就能清醒吧讽刺！！！你知道现在播着什么歌吗？：握紧的双手你能抓得住什么？给你海阔和天空又有什么用？ 是啊~~~放开手，或许才能再拥有吧
Searching @ 10:32 PM*
不要再说~~~又站在你家的门口 我们重复沉默 这样子单方面的守候 还能多久 终于你开口向我诉说她有多溫柔 虽然你还握著我的手 但我已不在你心中 我真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧 是我没有 陪在你身边 当你寂寞时候 別再看著我 说著你爱过 別太伤痛 我不难过 这不算什么 只是为什么眼泪会流 我也不懂 就让我走 让我开始享受自由 回憶很多 你的影子也会充滿我生活 我並不懦弱 你比谁都懂 虽然寂寞 这会是我 最后的寬容 抱紧我 再抱紧我 这一份感动 请你让我留在胸口 別在说是你的错 爱到了尽头 是非对错 就让它随风 忘了所有 过得比你快活 我真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧 是我没有 陪在你身边 当你寂寞时候 別再看著我 说著你爱过 別太伤痛 我不难过 这不算什么 只是为什么眼泪会流 我也不懂 不要再说 或許这是最好結果 现在分手 总好过你不爱我一拖再拖 松开你的手 离开你左右 我向前走 这会是我 真正的解脱 我其实并没有用这首歌的资格因为它所述说的是被背叛的心情而我只不过是一个背叛者唱这首歌，有点讽刺吧可是，每当听到它总会莫名地感到心痛是后悔吗？是羞耻吗？或许都有吧除此外，大概有些感同身受吧因为，我也是被遗弃的一个呀他也是眼睁睁地告诉我当初与我发展是一时冲动事后发觉他根本没准备要继续爱我当荷尔蒙消退后他就只能抱歉地说声：“对不起，我还没准备好去发展一段感情。”他的歉疚，无声地将我的世界打碎他的一时冲动，令我不知道该怎么再坚强他的退缩，令我不知道怎么再去爱与他一起，不过短短的五个月然而九个月后竟无法痊愈是报应吧主说：没有报应这回事， 一切都在他的掌握之中那，主，是你吗？？？？
Searching @ 10:22 PM*
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