Monday, February 11, 2008
Let this be the last post to this blog...
let this blog be shut behind..
together with my past 4 years and all the memories..
let it all come to an end...
people often says i've got fish memories...
things would just slipped my mind in split seconds...
but unfortunately it doesnt happen in all cases...
some things...has just been deeply rooted in me..n has become part of me...
i wish... with the closing of this blog..
will also uproot all those memories...
n let them all buried in this cyber space...
a name that has been so important to me for the past 10 years...
let me not have anymore encountenance with him..
may every trace of him... every image n shadow of him be wiped off my life..n memories...
i dont understand y... his msia mobile n house number...
numbers that i havent been calling for the past 6 years...
yet it wouldnt leave my brain...
for the last time i type them out here...
o126672216
80241720
80241739...may these digits be gone from my heart...
his personal info...soemthing that will not be of my business anymore...
800316145579
liverpoolfc
jln usj 18/1 ... besides nightmares...they r nothing to me...
may they be gone from my head..my life...my soul...
why should i remember them??
why am i still remembering them??
dear lord... i'd trade anything just to wipe all these out of my life...
they r weighing me down...mentally...emotionally...
when i nearly got into the car accident that day..
i was traumatised at first...
then later on.. when my car gets back on the road..
i was just thinking...
maybe..the lord heard my prayer...
i know its more than a dozen times that i prayed...
if i could just lost my memories...
to gain a fresh start in life..
be it from sickness or accident...
anything that can induce the memory lost..
i'll take it...
i know its so wrong to wanting to harm onself...
but i cant think of a better way...
i dont know how to get rid of that image that has been haunting me day and night...
i want to run...yet deep down in my soul...
i cant bare the thought of not being able to see him again..
i know that's the reason why... why my feet are not lifted yet...
i'm dragging my time...
i tell myself... a little more...just give me a little more time to take a look at him..
just once more...
n it doesnt seems to end...
he is so so far from me...
after so many years... this time... the first time i know...
he's gone...really gone...totally..
hence...no matter how unwilling i am...
i have to let go...
do i have a choice? no i dont... Lord u clearly tells me that..
as i officially close this blog...
i lay him by ur sight Lord...
for the last time... i ask father...
please bless and protect him Lord...
for his health..his career...his well-being...his family...
father...i ask that u'll have ur mighty hands over him always...
i pray that he'll always be surrounded by love, joy and peace...
and u'll always have ur favour upon him...
that he'll excel in all areas and ur light will shine through him...
i lift Jack up unto ur hand lord...
i surrender every single bit of memory i have of him to u lord...
may u take care of him...till the day he joins u in heaven...
n from now on...jack chia... will be a nobody to me...
not more than a churchmate...not less than a stranger...
i break the soul tie in ur name n presence lord..
and this blog n the memories for the past 4 years...
is now officially close in the Lord's mighty name.
may every prayer be sealed in your name.
Amen.
Searching @ 6:30 PM*
Thursday, November 15, 2007
i miss you~~~when the clock strike 12..when i tried to avoid the time and tried to sleep..memories came flooding uncontrollably...a birthday without u...simply worse than any other day..a day i dont want to remember...yet i have to look happy ...Lord..please help me...grant me a new start n a new heart...this is my birthday wish for you who hear me n know my tears..we started when we are 17Let the chapter comes to an end at 27
Searching @ 12:50 AM*
Thursday, October 25, 2007
~~When Darkness arrives unexpectedly~~Was showering just then…before the light suddenly went offMy immediate n ONLY reaction was…thinking to myself…“OMGosh… didn’t I just change the bulb 2 days ago..”Then I continue showering in the dark…as if nothing has happened…And if joey was home..she wouldn’t have realise anything wrong in the bathroom..As I continue to shower n find my way around…In darkness n silence… Then I realised I seems to be reacting a bit too calm…Why am I not screaming like an ordinary girls would…Why am I not too scared to hurry myself up Why am I so calm? Too calm that I shocked myself… especially when I remember I used to scream at the top of my lungs once when we were locked in the lift… and that was with you girls… I wonder why… n guess what…this wondering process was done in the dark…as I was still taking my time before I bother to bring in some light…I don’t like this feeling…I don’t like my reaction…Its simply because I know..even if I scream… no one is there to help me anyway…Even if I show my fear.. no one is there to empathise nor concern…Even though I hate darkness… no one is there to bring me light when I needed it..And I realise… this has been in me now…Where I’m being exceptionally individualistic… living in the darkness … all by myself… is already in me n part of me…That’s why I’m not shocked… nor can I squeeze out any drastic reactions…So many nights in the past 2 year…When there’s weird noises in the house… When I woke up shaken middle of the night… When I was haunted by nightmares..When I’m not sure if that was a thief or simply my neighbour outside my house.. When the wind is bitting so hard at my windows..During all these times of fear… All I can do was just forcing myself to face it.. Pressing down the spirit of fear n timidity … Forcing my eyes to open and stare into darkness..Rejecting the urge to cry or to scream out of fear..Convincing myself again and again that everything is gonna to be ok… After doing all these nights after nights.. Subconsciously its part of me now…I know… to u…My heart is hardened and my blood is cold..As a woman… I’m too strong n independent.. That’s why… all of you think that I can overcome anything and I can do it…But do u know..I do it because I got no choice…I do it because I have to…I do it because no one is there for me to turn to…I do it because … I don’t know what I’ll become if I turn weak…I do it because… I can never ask u to do it for me again…Everything is a choice..Everyone has a choice…But at situation like this..What are the alternatives???>>>>Venus is not well.. she's sick...i'm scared...Heal her, God...Help her, daddy..someone...please tell me she's going to be ok...
Searching @ 8:00 PM*
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Number # Seven & the Multiple of Seven
I cant sleep last night…
My mind just wander into the wilderness …
Flash back jumps from one scene to another…
Then I recalled the game played at youth last Friday…
7-UP
Then I realise.. I don’t like the number 7 & its multiply…
Cuz every 7th in my life signify the turning point…
Whether I like it or not…
Age of 7 – When you finally get disciplined and started attending a school with uniforms… school rules…tones of homework… and starting to grow up
Age of 14 – Met my first boyfriend… yet the relationship ended the same year…
Age of 17 – Met the one who’ll since then sink deeply into my heart n life… n this will not changed forever…
Age of 21 – Leaving home n family for the first time… step onto the foreign land with the man that I thought of spending my lifetime with… and with left in the Seventh month… 8th JULY 2007
I ended my relationship with him after being together for 7 years… at the age of 24 … I made the worst decision ever in my life… bringing me to a bottomless pit… where I still don’t see the end till this day… and it was ended in the month of July… my world has never be the same since then… I began to live in darkness and lost my direction… I began to lost the ability to justify the right from the wrong … but though everything change… to this day.. I realise my love for him has not changed… just… can no longer express it….it will be a secret between my heart n my soul… For times… I thought we’ll get back together…before things happened and we parted again…
At His 27th birthday… I said farewell to my prince… I regretted everything that I did… but I know I cant turn back time… I know I serve no right to stop him from living a better life… it’s been 7 months now (from 16th March to 16th Oct) since we last talked … I still remember the last night we met ..that I waited almost 2 hours for you to go home…to say happy birthday n goodbye… for the last time I hear your voice…see your smile and feel your breathe… for the last time… and this year…I’m 27 too…
7th of May 2007 … I found out that you are now committed to a new relationship… you have given your heart n love to another girl… for the last time… I sent you an sms to congratulate … you replied : “Thanks” …from then I see road with no end… yet… I don’t know where is it leading me to…
My 27th birthday is coming in a month time… I’m not looking forward to it …not at all… because … I don’t dare to think this might be my last birthday in perth… I don’t know where will I be at my next birthday… is this the last year that I can see you before we part forever?? I don’t know… I hope this year will not end… though u r no longer mine… but I can still seek u with my heart … when I’m scared or lost.. knowing u r at the same place…I’ll have the strength to keep walking…
Year 2008 – marking my 7th years in Perth… also marking my 28 years of life… but I’m leaving … not intentionally… but I plan to leave mid-year… to leave a place that I’d love to call home after 7 years…to close the page of the most painful yet heartfelt story in my life.. to leave you that I known for 14 years… to leave a place where your family will be built..
I hate 7… I really hate it ….
Searching @ 4:21 PM*
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Joey wont be home for a few days… her God brother is here for visitation…so she moved to spend some time with him…
The house went back to its silence…dead silence… the silence that I’ve endured for the past 2 years… the feeling is so familiar yet so…empty…as if nothing has ever changed… as if she never moves in…n I was shocked by my ignorance.. as if nothing would affect me anymore.. as if my heart has gone missing or at least its stone hard now.. I live my days as it is.. n it brought me back to the stage where .. I’m reluctant to answer phone calls n see anyone…
As if… I’m preparing for my going… I’m preparing myself to live a life where I know nobody n vice versa.. where my world is only me n my dogs… I’m preparing my heart to leave this place where I once called home.. I’m preparing my feet to lift up n step forward to the foreign land.. as if.. I’m all prepared to freeze my heart (if its still there) … sink my emotions n distance all my friends … just preparing myself to go…
Am i? am i? am i?
I don’t know.. I asked susu…would she want to go if she’s given a choice.. she stared back at me innocently.. I rubbed my tears on her and she stayed still…not understanding what happened but she remained still… then she rested her head on my arms…lifted up her eyes and looked straight at me… I know… though I lost the whole world.. I still have my beloved daughter with me… at that moment… I think…maybe I really can do this…though with tones of fear… maybe I can do it… to leave…to start afresh somewhere… to smile.. n to forget…
Its been 6 months since we last talked… how are you? How are you? How are you?
Joey was shocked that night when I know she’s talking to u… only by one word that u said… I know immediately… its u… n I was right… because u never change… the way u talk … u act… u walk… u move… n the way ..u love… u never change…that’s why this time I’m so sure that I have to go… because I see too much of similarities in ur current relationship.. the simplicity that u r after… ur plans that u have in ur heart… the way u both live n build life together… I just know.. That’s the end… n its time… for me.. to go..
U know what… lot of time…when I was so tired…stress…feel like I cant continue anymore…how I wish I can hear a word from u… but that never happen.. I’ll then remember what u once told me.. saying that I have to believe that I can do it… I have to smile… I have to eat more… I have to read psalm 23… I’ll also read the old msg-es that u sent me… then I’ll feel that maybe I can push myself a bit further to do what I’m need to… at least what u told me to…
Oh actually… my dream once came true.. but it was a shattered dream… out of the blue…I receive a msg from u… I thought it’s a blessing of answered prayer… who knows…all u want… is just to make sure I arrange a proper seat for u n ur gf… of cuz I will do that for u… n do u know… ur gf has asked many others to pass me the msg… to arrange seats for u both…together with the YAs.. I know I’m not a good person… I know my heart is hard n my blood is cold.. but please trust me… I’ll never do anything that’s not in ur favour… I know u’ll laugh if u see this… how dare a betrayer say this under the light… but I swear… I’ll never ever bring a single harm into ur life again… n the best way to prove is to disappear from ur sight..
U know what.. I blame God sometimes… I’m really trying very hard to leave u…to move on…to not to think about u… but God often tricks me n test my limit … for the one week that I need to go zlm …ur precious gf thank god for u…why should I hear that (though I can understand why would she give thanks for…for u r precious)? For once that I stayed home on wed… u chose to call joey n talk… worse still I know its u… so many times that I close one particular window…then ur name will pop-up cuz u just sign in… *glad that u didn’t see this bit or u would put me in ur ignore list huh??*… I know no one is supposed to notice all these unnecessary details… however they ache every inch of my heart… is God or me?
Often when su or the other 2 suddenly get alert at night…starring out of the window…I would sometimes think… would it be u? hahha… so silly… I know.. that’s why I’ll normally laugh at my own stupidity… u would probably say I watched too much tv,,,becoming unrealistic… oh well..maybe… I wouldn’t mind living in deception be it just a short moment… ya…
Hey… I plan to leave…this time…I really do…. though u wont know till the day I’m gone… but I want to tell u know… in this cyber space… I’ll leave u n this place where we build our dreams together… I’ll then walk out of your life completely… I think that’s the best way to force myself away from u… and maybe… u’ll feel more relieve too… i’m actually very scared of that… I’ve never walk my life without u… I came to perth fearlessly because u were with me… I live my life independently because u are near… I stay home by myself cuz u r holding my keys.. but this time…I be by myself…solely… u think I can do it? Without u? i don’t know… I think I cant… but I’ll do it… cuz.. at least… I’ll never be part of the church who will be organising ur wedding in the near future… idiot me?? Yes…and a coward too…
Hey…
I miss u… n
… I love u …
Searching @ 4:11 PM*
Monday, August 20, 2007
无意中听到这首歌好像，是为我量身订造的歌王力宏 - 星期六深夜星期六晚上 那儿都不想去 也无法入睡歌 看着电视机 持续在发呆 喝了七分醉词 闭上了眼睛 试着不想你 但已来不及转 忘了如何让眼泪 停止流下自 还好没人看见没人会说话 星期六深夜 我想起了你 没什么特别 只是回忆 你让我自由 我很感激 星期六深夜 喔 永远不会有任何人 能代替你 这就是遗憾的滋味 陪着我形影不离明天我会面带微笑 但无法忘记 你让我自由 我很感激星期六 喔～Yeah 永远不会有任何人 能代替你
Searching @ 7:15 PM*
Friday, August 17, 2007
you wrote this somewhere:"Can u write something about my life? -the andy lau way pls..JC "no..no..not that i manage to write a song about u the andy lau way...but i heard this andy's old song...which i think u can use...it speaks to u now... at least u can tell her this...刘德华当我遇上你短短一生太多的变化难得又慢慢步进了平凡忘掉了多不想失去却终于失去她偏偏空虚心里多记挂风吹不息又似真却似假前路我可不惜一切再编织一个家现在不想想呀一世不想烦有谁人谁人令我不再惊怕遇上你你知道吗我不能一息间将你等于她是你在旁牵起了变化心枯也不禁说出这段情话是爱你你相信吗我竟然经得起心痛的伤疤在那最后一刹你不经意间永远已替代她
Searching @ 11:27 PM*
